October Gloom Inspires Change

The gloom of October has settled into my bones.  I love the autumn colors and weather, but the darkness in New England exhausts me.  I find that I become tired very easily and cannot seem to accomplish the tasks I need to complete each day.

In particular, I reflect this time of year on making a change of some sort.  I have considered going back to school or looking for alternate employment, but financial limitations foster complacency.  My job is okay.  I like it sometimes.  The money is okay.  Truth be told, I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up, but I know I'm not doing it now.

Therefore, I groan, grumble, and complain, but I don't know on a practical level what to do. I have moments of excitement over possibilities, but none of them seem realistic.

1. I could start writing regularly about things people care about and make a living as a blogger.
2. I could work toward sustainable living--growing most of our food. 
3. I could send the kids to school and teach full time.  Or work in an office.  Or something.
4. I could simplify our lives and cut our spending so that I could quit my job.
5. I could go back to school and get a degree in a different field that would make work exciting.
6. I could write and publish my first novel, developing the first draft during National Novel Writing Month in November (NaNoWriMo).

And then the realist/pessimist in my head retorts:

1. You haven't been able to blog every week with any consistency.  How on earth could you earn money blogging?
2. Your garden was bountiful this year, but you didn't substantially cut your grocery bill.  And you live in the city and zoning restrictions mean no livestock. Vegan living would put your family over the edge.
3. You have to at least homeschool the younger kids. You don't want to teach full time. Two words--Common Core!  
4. You don't buy many extras. You already do most of the "cost cutting" tips the magazines tout (cook meals, coffee at home, no cable, cheap cell phones), what else could you cut?
5. You can't afford school. Period.
6. You've started three NaNoWriMo novels and have never gotten past 50 pages.  And in November, when work and life is busiest. Ha!  Never gonna happen my friend.

October gloom.

I'm not always gloomy, though.  After morning coffee and prayer time today, I started looking at the FlyLady website and reading her Cruising Through the Holidays ideas and daily missions.  I felt enthusiastic about planning for the months ahead. Why? Because the focus was off of me and redirected at the prospect of spreading joy in the way I approach Thanksgiving and Christmas. The FlyLady offers tips on gift-giving, home decorating, baking, and more.  Her tips are a great way to make the preparations easier so the focus of the holidays can be on the people and memories we share during these special national and faith celebrations.

Gift-giving in particular used to be pleasurable to me, even when I had very little money.  When I was single, I'd put time and effort into purchasing or making gifts that would bring joy to my family and friends. I don't know when that feeling changed, but increasingly over the past 10 years, gift purchasing has been a rushed, stressful process that has made me bitter or frustrated. The emotional change may have been spawned by several years where my four children received so much plastic stuff that was broken or didn't work correctly that we'd hold our breath to see if the gifts under the tree would bring joy or tears! The Clutter Free Gift Ideas on the FlyLady site renewed my excitement about gift giving.  She offers hundreds of ideas from other "Fly Babies" for gifts that would be useful and appreciated. The list, and the testimonies with them, inspired me to start really thinking about my loved ones and how I can bring them joy this Christmas.

I still long for a change, but I recognize the first change needs to be my approach. I will get my priorities in order by shifting the focus off of myself and onto bringing joy to others.