Lenten Longing

My cat was missing for a couple hours today. We had contractors doing some work in the bathroom in our basement, and their equipment was quite loud. A few hours after they began working, I realized I hadn't seen the cat all morning. We were afraid he had gotten out of the house because we had looked everywhere we could think of--under beds, in closets, on bookshelves--but we didn't find the cat. I couldn't imagine where he was, but I knew he was certainly scared. He is very skittish when it comes to noises and strangers, and he was dealing with both. The terrified kitty had found a hiding place in a very dark, narrow corner behind the furnace. When we finally realized where he was, it took about 10 minutes of coaxing to get him to come out and join us upstairs, away from the noisy work in the basement.

Curled up safe on Mama's bed.

These days, I feel a little like my anxious cat. I want to simply hide in my quiet corner where nobody can see me. It's been a rough winter. In New England, most folks are happily watching the big melt. The snow drifts still extend several feet into the secondary roads in my neighborhood, but they're much shorter than they were two weeks ago. Driving is much easier with the improved visibility and clearing of the ice ruts, but now the potholes present new challenges. I've been blaming the weather for my melancholy, but the empty feeling I've endured these long dark months hasn't improved much with the longer, warmer days.

The darkness descended upon us in October. During Advent, I was hopeful. By Christmas, I still felt meh.

At New Year's, I made some goals and tried some challenges. I didn't quite achieve as much as I had hoped, and the clean eating thing fell apart a few weeks into the challenge when I neglected the exercise portion. The focus on goals related to food and finance interests me, but it hasn't helped my disposition.

Lent began, and in those first weeks I was reading a spiritual book and going to a discussion group at church. Again, I was hopeful that my mood would improve. The spiritual boost from the book seemed to be transforming me as my daily focus started to shift: "Our lives change when our habits change" (Matthew Kelly). Alas, one of the February book discussion events was cancelled due to a pending snowstorm, and the next discussion meeting was a month away. I stopped reading and stopped changing my habits. The meh feeling came back full force.

I don't want to have a self-hosted pity party. I don't want my readers to feel sorry for me. I want to find the holiness God wants for me. I want to stop hiding and start living.

How? How can I let God in and listen to his voice? How do I let God coax me out of my dark, quiet hiding place?

I suppose the first step is to go back to the book, to Rediscover Catholicism. My faith is the reason for so much of what forms me, and yet I'm not really living as the "best version of myself" as Matthew Kelly says.

Lord Jesus,

Send your Holy Spirit to guide me during the final weeks of Lent. Help me prepare to receive you with true Easter Joy.

Amen.

Happy New Year, Happy Advent!

First of the month.  Mondays.  New school years.  New liturgical years.  All of these "beginnings" give me hope to improve upon the way I'm living.  But here it is, Wednesday morning of the first week of Advent, and I'm just getting around to reflecting upon the "Happy New Year!" greeting I offered on Thanksgiving (my birthday was last week, too, so it really is my new year right now).

When I log into this blog, I usually look to see how many viewers have visited the site and which post brought them here.  The latest view was "Struggling to Keep Your Resolutions" which was a link to another blogger's post.  My most popular title is "Maybe I Have ADD," followed by "Girls and ADHD or ADD" and "Decluttering My Domestic Church."  Clearly, I am attracting readers who are like me--distracted and seeking order.  Chances are, you may feel like you are chasing your tail and not accomplishing anything.  A little reflection will probably indicate that you accomplish much more than you think you do, but you need to put it in perspective.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling very optimistic.  I had finished a big grading project for my "paying job" on Monday afternoon (I teach English part-time at a local college) and hoped to tackle my household to-do list.  When I looked at my white board in the afternoon to check items off the to-do list, I realized that I had completed lots of "invisible" tasks that weren't on the written to-do list.  I washed my bedding, dusted all the ceiling fans in the house, watered the plants, made a couple of important phone calls, printed paperwork for my eldest's college application process, finished some homeschool lessons with the boys, reduced the giant pile of Black Friday ads and other clutter on the kitchen counter, and put away the Thanksgiving decorations (all four of them). My desk was still cluttered. The carpet was still not vacuumed.  Dead plants were still residing in the front garden. Dinner was still not planned. Worst of all, we hadn't read the saint of the day on the feast of St. Francis Xavier. What kind of Catholic homeschooling mom ignores the feast of St. Francis Xavier?  I had a plan, but somehow forgot about it while I watered the plants 6 hours earlier and let the boys sleep late. I bounced from task to task without a clear focus, and several priorities were neglected. It would be dark in less than an hour, so outside work was probably not going to happen.

The children heartily suggested I go clothing shopping with my daughter and then buy pizza for dinner.  The thought was tempting, but I was in frumpy gardening clothes because I had intended to work outside and in the garage since the weather was mild.  A trip to the mall was out of the question, and ordering pizza was not in the budget or plan.

The plan!  I remembered that I had a plan.  I had made a menu for November and December with my friend a few weeks ago. Life is much easier with a menu. I have stuck to the menu for a few weeks, and my days have gone smoothly.  The grading project had consumed four straight days, though, and I hadn't looked at the December meal plan when I went to the store last week. For Tuesday, chicken stir fry was on the menu.  Unfortunately, I didn't have chicken or stir-fry vegetables in the house. As I pondered my options, a child came to me asking for video game time.  Distracted Mama often says, "Sure, you're done with school, go ahead." Then, once they are playing, I notice their chores haven't been done.  I had a moment of clarity and remembered the leaves and clean-up that needed to happen in the garden (items on the written to-do list) and said, "First, I need help with the yard." He and his brother were willing to work for their screen time, so I showed them the plants that should be pulled out before the ground freezes.  After they went off to their task, I took care of emptying three cans of kitchen scraps into the compost and sorted through the remaining tomato harvest.  I had picked all of the green tomatoes in October, and they have been ripening on a table in the garage.  A few were rotten, but I found about 12 nicely ripened tomatoes, and from there developed my plan for dinner.

The happy sunflower in July.  Yesterday, it was brown and the seeds
had been consumed long ago by the birds.

The boys finished their task, and I granted permission for some screen time. I took the tomatoes to the kitchen, found the other ingredients, and took a look out the window.  I had just enough daylight to take care of the rest of the dead plants in the front garden that were too big for the boys.  Last summer, I planted vegetables in the front yard.  Giant "gone to seed" broccoli and dead sunflowers have adorned the front lawn for a couple months, making me cringe every time I see them.  I dragged the wheelbarrow to the front yard, yanked the overgrown beasts from the earth, piled them in the wheelbarrow and pushed them to their resting place in a new compost heap.  It took 15-30 minutes to change the appearance of my front lawn from unkempt to tidy (well, tidier--the rest of the leaves are still there).  I still had time to make dinner before my husband got home from work.

How I made an easy, but kinda fancy-sounding dinner:
Roasted Tomatoes with Salmon and Orzo
Ingredients:
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 med. red onion, coarsely chopped
12 ripe tomatoes, quartered
6 cremini mushrooms, thickly sliced
One can Wild Salmon
1/2-3/4 cup Parmesan Cheese
2 Frozen pesto cubes (2-4 T prepared pesto)
16 oz. Orzo pasta

First, I drizzled EVOO in a casserole dish and preheated the oven to 400.  To the casserole, I added a coarsely chopped red onion, quartered tomatoes, 6 cremini mushrooms, two "pesto cubes" from the freezer, and a can of wild-caught salmon.  The casserole went into the oven, and then I started water for the pasta.  After about 15 minutes, I gave the veggies and salmon a stir and realized the oven needed to be hotter, so I set it to 450.  When the orzo was cooked, the veggie mixture was fragrant and bubbling nicely.  I stirred the two together and added about a half cup of Parmesan cheese.  It was creamy, yummy, deliciousness!

Dinner was ready and waiting when my husband arrived!  The children and I got everything on the table, and my oldest lit the first Advent candle.  I sang "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel" (while the children groaned) and we waited for my husband to join us at the table.

After dinner, my husband and I prayed the rosary with the child who had requested video game time earlier.  While we prayed, I reflected on the day and on my family and our many blessings.  I realized that the day wasn't perfect and that the yard work could have gotten done completely, leaves and all, if we'd gone out right after lunch.  The way it turned out, though, was much more peaceful and really was good enough for the day.  I wasn't burdened with the work, and neither was anyone else.

When the younger boys went to bed, I took another look at the to-do list and realized there were two important computer items I could complete and erase before bed.

Several times throughout the day I had contemplated simply taking a nap or wasting time on Facebook (okay, I did do that), but the New Year's feeling helped motivate me to finish lots of little things.

This morning, I again woke feeling very optimistic.  I didn't think I had accomplished much yesterday, but as I wrote this post (at my cluttered desk), I realized this New Year is off to a good start.  Yes, there will be days where I don't "accomplish anything" and probably give in and buy take-out pizza. Yes, I am still easily distracted. However, priorities, menus, and a white board next to my desk all help.  And remembering it's Advent and new liturgical year give me hope.  Happy New Year, everyone.

I welcome comments to this blog! What are you doing to celebrate the "New Year"?  How does celebrating Advent help you to focus on Christ all around you?  If you struggle with ADD/ADHD or wonder if you have it, what do you do to stay on task?

He Is Risen! Indeed He Is Risen!

Happy Easter!  My family went to Easter Vigil for the first time with all six of us.  My youngest will be receiving his First Communion in May, so he wanted to be there to see the three candidates receive Baptism, First Communion, and Confirmation.  We had a surprise, too!  One of the candidates, after being confirmed, renewed his marriage vows with his wife since their marriage could now be fully blessed as a sacrament in the Church.  I'm so glad we went tonight.

This is the night....

This night begins the wonderful, joyous season of Easter.  Father mentioned that we Catholics fast for 40 days, then celebrate for 50!  Celebrate this Easter season!

Father's homily also reminded us to live up to the potential of the gifts God has given us.  If all Catholics live the love of Christ, how much can we change the world?

He Is Risen!  Indeed He Is Risen!

Alleluia!

Ringing Phones, Snow Day, and Pope Francis on Network TV

We've known since the weekend that Monday into Tuesday would be a March snowstorm.  In light of that information, I should have taken the phone into my room before I went to sleep last night.  Right on cue, the first automated "Cancellation Alert" call rang at 5:40 a.m., so I bolted out of bed across the hall to grab the phone on my office desk. I received five automated calls this morning before 10:30.  Not one person talking with me--just recordings.

Several of the calls gave me useful information.  However, the frequent ringing and the lack of a friendly conversation to follow the "Hello," on my end was somewhat annoying and disappointing. In general, I don't much like talking on the phone.  Modern phones are miserably uncomfortable against my ear.  The children wander in and out asking questions that they wouldn't think about if I were simply looking out the window at the falling snow.  The sight of me holding a phone and speaking into it, somehow, triggers their thoughts and propels them to beseech answers to their pressing questions RIGHT NOW (translated: only when Mom is talking on the phone)!  Needless to say, I didn't speak into the phone this morning after my initial "Hello," so the children paid me no heed.

The best thing about the first call was that it reminded me about Pope Francis' installation Mass, which I caught toward the end of the consecration.  The announcers were quiet and the Latin was beautiful.  Unfortunately, I watched the Mass on network television.  UGH!   Just after the Pater Noster, the commentating resumed.  All through communion and during part of the prayers after communion, the announcer and "a priest with an agenda" rambled incessantly about how this pope just might change the stance on women clergy and condoms.  Are you kidding me?  People were receiving Jesus in the Eucharist, and all they could talk about was sex and throwing Catholic tradition to the wind.  I was repulsed.  According to Wikipedia, there are approximately 41,000 Christian denominations worldwide.  So, if people want gay "marriage," contraception, female clergy, and acceptance of abortion, I imagine one of those denominations fits their needs.  We don't hear a constant plea from the media regarding Muslim beliefs or Hindu beliefs or Buddhist beliefs and how the time has come for these religions to throw caution to the wind and conform to the world.  

Jesus said:

If the world hates you, realize that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own; but because you do not belong to the world, and I have chosen you out of the world, the world hates you. (John 15:18-19)

Therefore, any Catholic, especially any Catholic priest should respond, "No, of course the Pope will not be changing 2000 years of teaching and tradition."  Instead, the media seeks Catholic representatives who will be likely to twist and turn and speculate so convincingly that uniformed viewers will perceive the misconstrued message as an official Vatican announcement.

Yes, the world hates what does not belong to the world.  The world expects alignment to the arrow on its twisted moral compass.  But Jesus has chosen us out of the world, and has sent the Holy Spirit to guide the Cardinals in electing the Vicar of Christ, Pope Francis to lead His Church.

I trust the Holy Spirit will guide Pope Francis' pontificate.  I trust that his teaching will conform with Catholic tradition and the he will help Rebuild the Church.  As we continue our Lenten journey toward Palm Sunday, Holy Week, Easter, and Mercy Sunday, I am hopeful.  Jesus, I Trust in You.

Don't Be Depressed

As though someone wants to be depressed!  For anyone who has struggled with depression, it's likely they've been told to "Suck it up and move on," or "Get over it," or "Don't be so gloomy."  Easier said than done!  If you have never struggled with depression, you probably don't get it, just as I don't get what it's like to suffer from cancer or diabetes or another physical ailment I haven't suffered.  The difference with physical ailments is that they have physical symptoms that are recognizable to others.  Depression can certainly present physical symptoms, but the source for the symptoms is a reaction to what's going on in the brain.

As Catholics, we particularly struggle when we are presented with the sad situation of suicide.  Suicide is a result of despair.  How can we prevent or cure despair in the depressed individual?  Much like an addiction, the depressed individual must acknowledge a problem and seek help.  During high school and college, I had begun to despair and contemplate suicide.  If I'd been more savvy about what pills to take, I may not be here today.  Thank God for my ignorance!  I realized I had a problem and went to the doctor. At one point I admitted myself to the psychiatric ward at the hospital, but after an hour or so in the room, hearing the shouts and confused words of the others on the floor, told me I was not where I needed to be.  My doctor said I could be released since I was self-admitted, but I must promise not to hurt myself.  I promised.

When I left the hospital, I knew that wasn't the end of the depression.  I sought the help of a psychiatrist and took anti-depressants.  They helped some, but the most significant help I received was when I went to a Dominican rectory and knocked on the door.  An older priest came to the door.  I told him I wanted to die.  His kind eyes looked deeply into mine and he invited me into the rectory.  We sat and talked for a short time.  He gathered some helpful articles for me to read.  He reminded me that suicide is final and that God didn't want that for me.  He, too, asked me to promise that I would not harm myself.  Again, I promised.

A woman is only as good as her word!  Those promises kept me alive.  I don't remember the Dominican priest's name, but he more than anyone else saved my life.

One of my Facebook friends just lost a friend to suicide, a young man who had suffered with depression.  There are no easy answers.  We cannot turn back time and talk him out of it.  We cannot erase the sadness, anger, and broken hearts of the survivors.  We can only pray for his soul and for those of his family and friends who are left with memories and questions.

If you have come to my blog in search of answers for your depression, I'm not a professional, but I have a message of hope for you.  Talk to a priest--even if you aren't Catholic (yet!).  Our priests are well-trained in counseling and have much to offer in guiding you to the help you need.  Find a friend or family member who doesn't tell you to "get over it"--someone you can confide in if you suffer despair.  Then promise them you'll never hurt yourself.  Talk to them when you need to.  Keep a journal.  Sometimes writing about the things that trouble us takes the load off our minds and we can gain perspective and peace.

Most importantly, pray.  This morning as I read "Thursday, February 7, Prayer for the Morning" in Magnificat, the reflection introducing Psalm 42 said, "The psalm reflects the shifting moods of down-heartedness, questioning, and confident joy that can affect the committed believer in the face of questions and taunts of a disbelieving world.  Yet the tears and torrents of discouragement have no power over the waters of life with which God's love renews us." Today's selection begins: "Like the deer that yearns/for running streams,/so my soul is yearning/for you my God." The psalmist goes on to question where God is in my life and to say, "My tears have become my bread,/by night, by day." Yet through the suffering and despair, he concludes:

I will say to God, my rock:/"Why have you forgotten me?/Why do I go mourning/oppressed by the foe?"/Why are you cast down my soul,/why groan within me?/Hope in God; I will praise him still,/my savior and my God. (Psalm 42:10-12, emphasis added))

  Words for a new day!

If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).  They also have a "Click to Chat" option on the website.

Good Monday Morning!

If you are sick this morning, drink fluids, rest, and feel better soon--and cover your coughs and sneezes! If you are tired this morning, do your best anyway, and remember that if you smile, someone else will, too. If you are frustrated this morning, take a moment to collect yourself and try to swallow any sarcasm you're tempted to spew. If you are happy this morning, spread that sunshine! If you're reading my blog, I just offered a prayer for you to have a good day and for God to bless all of your works this day. Love, Karen

Simple Prayer for the United States of America

Today the Church celebrates the Conversion of St. Paul the Apostle.  May the scales fall from the eyes of government officials today.  May they see the thousands of pilgrims who have peacefully entered our Nation's Capitol to pray for a conversion of the United States of America from a Culture of Death to a Culture of Life. Through Christ Our Lord, AMEN.

Pure Joy!

Last week really flew by as I was preparing the final changes for my Spring Semester courses and making final arrangements for our parish movie screening of Restless Heart: The Confessions of St. Augustine.  I had a few sleepless nights and several crazy dreams about the event not going according to plan.  I started to feel rather anxious.  Friday morning, as we were preparing to go to Mass, I mentioned my nervous feelings to my daughter.  She said, "Mom, you shouldn't worry."  I looked at her, and  I believed her!  I replied, "You're right!  St. Padre Pio told people to 'Pray, Hope, and Don't Worry' and that's what I need to do."

When we got to church, I was able to pray without my mind wandering too much, which is rare for me.  I felt consolation during my prayers and as I received Holy Communion, the children's song, "I've Got that Joy, Joy Down in My Heart" played on the jukebox in my mind.  I've been praying the "Daily Pilgrimage to Purgatory" for the past week, and this devotion has strengthened my prayer and meditation time, making it more focused on others and ultimately more fruitful.

On Saturday afternoon we set 400 chairs in the school gym for the movie night.  We had sold at least 225 tickets, and I wanted to be prepared if we sold a lot of tickets at the door.  The turnout exceeded my expectations!  All but 5 rows were mostly full.  We didn't have an accurate headcount of attendees, but a glance at the crowd indicated at least 325-350 in attendance.  The movie was well-received and I believe many lives were touched by the story of St. Augustine's conversion.

Honestly, I was giddy when I saw so many people in the gym, and the excitement continued throughout the evening until the credits rolled and the crowd applauded the film.  I am grateful to our pastor for saying "Yes," when I approached him about bringing the Restless Heart: The Confessions of St. Augustine to the parish.  I'm grateful to everyone who helped make it a success.  Mostly, I'm grateful to the Holy Spirit for guiding and encouraging me to begin the earthly work that He clearly finished on Saturday.  One of the women from my parish was congratulating me after the film.  I told her I couldn't have done it without her--she sold at least 39 tickets on her own!  She replied, "When we do our best, God does the rest!"

Dear Lord, 

Thank you for your promptings in my life.  Thank you for the headache I suffered for five days last week--clearly it served some redemptive purpose.  Thank you for releasing souls from Purgatory when they have been purified and are ready to experience the full joy of Heaven.  Thank you for the little joys of each day here on earth that remind us of Your Goodness and Mercy!

Amen.

Salt and Light

In this New Year, I am making a "resolution" through God's grace to be a Christian in the fullest sense of the word.  Most of us have heard the question, "If Christianity were outlawed in our nation, and you were charged with the crime of being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?"  My resolution in the New Year is to be "guilty as charged!"

At our children's youth group Christmas party this past weekend, on the Solemnity of the Epiphany of the Lord, we shared in a Polish custom of giving a wish for the New Year while sharing pieces of Oplatek (Christmas wafer).  When I approached one of my friends and shared the Oplatekk, I prayed for her to continue being "salt and light" and told her that when I see her interacting with others, I see "Christ's light" here in the world.  The Holy Spirit clearly moved me to make this prayer for her. Our eyes filled with tears as we gave each other a big hug.

As I reflect on the Oplatek experience, which was very new for me, the words "salt and light" keep coming to mind.  In Matthew 5:13-15, just after our Lord proclaims the Beatitudes in His Sermon on the Mount, he continues:

"You are the salt of the earth; but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trodden under foot by men.

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.  Nor do men light a lamp and put it under a bushel, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.  Let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." (RSV)

Jesus does not say to boast and proclaim our holiness.  He instructs us to be light through our works to the glory of our Heavenly Father.  

In the movie Pay It Forward (2000) we see a glimpse of what a world could be like if every time someone did something good for us, we committed to do three kind acts for others--not to pay back the person, but to continue the good and spread it everywhere.  The movie, if you haven't seen it, has some hard scenes, including the death of a main character. Evil still exists. But in the tragedy, hope remains because of the movement to "Pay It Forward" that began as school project.

Thirteen years after the movie, and 2000+ years after the Birth of Christ, our world is still broken and evil still exists. The best way we can combat evil, which loves the darkness, is to be light.

How can we be light? Simple kindness and charity (true love) are the best place to begin.  Likewise, reflect Christ's light when others don't see it in themselves.  In our world of instant information, we risk losing the ability to look into another's eyes and recognize Christ in our brothers and sisters.  Make eye contact with those around you.  Listen to their voices.  Notice their pain, their joy, their needs.

In 2013, will you join me to be "Salt and Light," to pay forward the graces and gifts our Lord has granted us three-fold each day, in honor of the Most Holy Trinity?

Rock the Vote!

Finally, after today, no more political ads for a while.  I lost a Facebook "friend" a few months ago when she and another friend were debating on my page.  The funny thing is, it got all political when I made a comment about something that didn't seem political to me.  I realized the lost friend was not much of a friend since she "unfriended" me before I made a single response in their debate.  Presidential election years seem to make people just a bit more nutty than normal.  I'd personally prefer to talk about food and gardening than politics!

However, it's our responsibility to be aware of the candidates and the issues.  Today, as a Catholic, I must vote on the side of life, on the ballot questions and on the candidates. I must vote on the side of life from "the womb to the tomb" in God's time, not the mercy killer or the abortionist's time.  I must trust that our Creator has a better plan for our lives and our suffering than we could ever imagine in our limited human capacity.  Today, I pray especially for those who find themselves pregnant and despairing or facing a terminal illness--and for those with the misguided, though often well-meaning, solution.  May they recognize the value in every human life, that we are all precious sons and daughters of God the Father.

All American Citizens--I encourage you to exercise your right and rock the vote today!

We Remain Hopeful

One of my first grown-up friends when I was a young mother used to frequently say, "And we remain hopeful!"  She gave me a blue frosted glass cross with the word "Hope" etched on it.  I keep that cross on my dresser in my room and see it almost every morning.  I just browsed through my Facebook homepage a minute ago and saw lots of political posts about Obama and the sad state of our country.  In spite of the negative situation of politics and the economy, I am hopeful.  In spite of the drought and inevitable rise in food costs, I remain hopeful.  Our God is a good and gracious Father.  He loves us with an ever lasting love.  He knows the things he has planned for us, and this earth is not our eternal home.  Yes, things are hard and frustrating and discouraging, we must remain faithful and hopeful.

Today, I am going to try to swallow negative words and thoughts and be more of a vision of Christ's Hope in a fallen world.

Have a sweet day!